So you want to be an Instamum…

I wish I was self assured enough to come off Instagram but alas, no, I am desperate for the likes just like everyone else…and as someone who thought “hey why not write a blog? that’s totally a job now!” I thought, why not look at the thought process behind attempting to become an “insta-parent”…..

“What’s my hook??” – You need a hook, an angle…mine was twins but turns out there are hordes of twins out there just as cute as mine (don’t tell them) and, much like your wedding, no one really cares about your kids except you. I am not sure the world needs another middle class white woman telling you how tired she is (I am pretty tired though now you mention it….).

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LOOK TWO BABIES WHO LOOK SIMILAR AND ONE IS VOMITING oh never mind….

“What sort of new insight to motherhood can I bring” – basically nothing you post is new. Everyone has already discussed post natal depression, breast pumps, postnatal hair loss more than you thought was possible…people have been having babies for a while it seems and there is Google.

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I know nothing.

“This is starting to seem like a bad idea, why do people do it?!” – Personally I was bored on maternity leave and wanted to vent some “witty” thoughts on babies (nothing deep). But it turns out kids are dull and they barely do one funny thing a week let alone one a day. I also believe, like me, most people post on Instagram for personal validation but so many under the guise of “oh gosh if I could help one person with my blog post about blah blah blah”…”check me out I am so normal I do laundry guyyys” it feels a little patronising…especially when I really just want to judge what they named their child and know where their skirt is from.

“Once I have started I won’t be able to stop” – once you start you have the pressure to keep it up (I mean…I don’t…but I imagine successful people do). Then it’s the daily Instagram stories – where on earth do people find the time for that?? I am unemployed and I don’t have time. I have never once felt the urge to pick up my phone and talk to it about my day because, shock horror,  it would be fucking tedious. Also my voice is annoying.

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Contemplating mundanity

“Maybe I can make some new fun friends?!?” – motherhood can be lonely and I understand people wanting to make genuine friends through social media but I am so skeptical about how often this is the actual intention and how often it results in real friendships. Any kind of blogging is inherently cliquey. It relies on a system where a few people have a following and are “influencers” and then the rest of us are their fans, their audience. 

“But perhaps I will get some free shit…!” – so you’ve managed to get past all the hurdles and you now have companies sending you stuff. Now, I love stuff, I love stuff a lot…and free stuff?! yes…I can get on board with free stuff…but you can’t just keep the free stuff you have to tell people how good it is. What if it’s not good?? What if it is good but only because it’s free?? Isn’t all free stuff good?? I’m out.

Eventually you end up writing a book about something or other…god knows what…I struggle to write a long text message. Then your kids grow up, become horrendous teenagers and tell you to fuck off any time you want to take their picture. Hmmm.

So the Insta mum world is not for me – but if anyone knows of any actual careers that don’t require lengthy and expensive training and don’t involve caring for children just let me know. (If I get free stuff…..that’s a bonus).

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Hire me?

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