This is America


So we upped sticks and moved to Los Angeles 6 months ago for Jack to peddle shitty TV to the (American) masses and so far I have mainly been swanning about & looking after my children on a more freelance basis. I wanted to write down the best & worst things about living in America (so I can refer to it when someone describes it as “math” and my blood starts to simmer), but it’s not as clean cut as that. So instead I am going to go through the ways in which life is just a little different here: 

Driving – everyone drives in LA and everyone complains about it in the same way Londoners complain about waiting longer than 2 minutes for a train. I hadn’t driven since I passed my test at the ripe old age of 27 so I love pretending that I know what I am doing. Every time someone cuts me up, I roll my eyes and I feel a deep sense of satisfaction that I am a much better person than they are. My parking needs work – the other day a (possibly homeless) elderly man pushing an empty shopping trolley gave me a thumbs up after witnessing a 10 minute parallel parking fiasco.

Greetings – In my open desperation to fit in I have adopted the American phrase “Hi, how are you?” as a greeting rather than a genuine question about somebody’s wellbeing. Every time I say it I die a little inside.

Weather – It’s sunny most of the time. I am the most tanned I have ever been (not very). One day it hit 42º and all my jewellery got burning hot like when you open an oven door. I have a degree and I still don’t understand Fahrenheit but they inexplicably won’t let go of it here…

Coffee –  I am now a coffee person! Not a “slow pour single origin bean flat white made with room temperature soy milk” sort of coffee person but it’s too hot for tea (no dad, tea doesn’t cool you down…) and now I am addicted.

Exercise – I went to SoulCycle and saw David Beckham twice so now when I go to any class it is mainly to see celebrities. When I realise there are none there it’s usually too late to leave without awkwardness, but my thighs are much stronger now so that’s great!

Food – it’s incredible. So much better than London. Take-away is particularly good – I can get amazing ramen, tacos, pasta, pizza, ICE CREAM, donuts, sushi, cookies delivered right to my door. I can also go and sit at a table in a room with people I don’t know and eat it but my way is much better. Love food, hate people. And no, there’s no fish and chips…but somehow I manage.

Delivery (not applicable to food delivery) – ok…I am aware that America is a big place (thank you GCSE geography) so any sort of delivery has a long way to travel…but when you pay for Amazon Prime here, it’s TWO DAY delivery. What. The. Fuck. I might not want it in two fucking days?! Land of the free and home of the brave…but you can’t get your dodgy replacement phone charger for two days, sorry.

Obviously there are many other things that are weird out here, like they don’t say “half 8” when it’s 8:30, the healthcare system is beyond ridiculous, “football” teams have 50 players…but these are the ones that have actually impacted my life thus far. Now with Thanksgiving approaching I am off to add sugar and marshmallow to sweet potatoes…like that’s normal…

One thought on “This is America”

  1. Brilliant! If tea does not cool you down, then why do they drink it in places like India, where they grow it? Dad is right, most of the time. I was struck by the size of a so called normal onion, almost small football size.


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