I thought I would be out “on the lash” days after having the babies…I was all Charlie Large Potatoes about my ability to not let it affect any fun aspect of my life. Turns out, the boys were almost a full 12 months old and I hadn’t drunk more than a couple of glasses of wine in one go for that whole time….but then I did.
Here follows an account of the day after:
5am – suddenly awake. Mouth is as dry as a nun’s vagina. If I don’t drink at least a litre of ice cold water in the next 20 seconds I am going to shrivel and die.
5:10am – fill a bottle with water & ice. Tastes like sick. Force down painkillers…no immediate relief…Nurofen is a lie. As is Sainsbury’s own brand paracetamol and the theory that clear alcohol doesn’t give you a hangover.
5:15am – sit on the sofa and contemplate suicide. Decide to make babies bottles instead. Back to bed…
6am – boys wake up and start murmuring/chatting/discussing how they’re going to screw with me.
6:30am – go into their room to this….
7:15am – shower time. Accidentally smell my own hair and vomit a little bit in my mouth.
7:30am – sit on (closed) toilet reading the news (stalking people on Instagram). Two and half hours until their nap time…that’s a lot of “if you’re happy and you know it”…
7:40am – agreement is made not to leave the house all day and to never have any more children.
10am – babies napping…eat two bowls of cheerios and a can of Pepsi max.
Midday – halfway through!! Only seven hours to go!! I have only fallen up the stairs once and haven’t FULLY vomited despite the Pepsi max & milk combination swilling around in my stomach.
1pm – playtime involves lying on floor completely still with eyes closed as they pull my hair and put their hands in my mouth. Not sure Oftsed would approve of the educational value but they seemed to love it.
2:30pm – boys refuse to nap despite being so tired they slump in my arms and leave my “lounge wear” (maternity joggers) smeared in snot.
3:15pm – first cup of tea of the day. What.the.fuck…why didn’t I do this sooner??? It’s d e l i c i o u s. It’s the most perfect cup of tea that ever was. I still think of it from time to time…
6pm – bath time. Close my eyes and lay my head against the side of the bath for five minutes of sweet relief as the boys splash me with water that they have definitely pissed in.
6:30pm – put wide awake, clean babies in their cots to sleep. Both babies shit their pants within 5 minutes – realisation hits that they have less than no respect for me.
7:30pm – babies finally fall asleep, one of them sitting upright…
7:45 – hangover all but gone, a dinner of chicken dippers and garlic mayonnaise and chips means suddenly I have more energy than ever… so instead of going to bed at 8pm and banking a potential 10 hours sleep, decide to watch Grown Ups 2, a film I have already seen once. So now I have seen Grown Ups 2…twice…and neither time was a pleasure.