We made the early decision that we wanted baby names that were cute, not ridiculously trendy, not too run of the mill but most importantly, wouldn’t seem out of place if either of them became Prime Minister in 1940’s Britain.
Then, like most people, we ended up rarely calling the babies by their actual names.
So I thought I would give a run down of all the names we used in just one day. It is incredible how much ridiculous crap I end up spouting out loud in the hope that one day they will respond (with love, ideally, but I will take what I can get)…
*NB. all nicknames must be expressed in a high sing song way that, if you ever hear recorded, will make you hate yourself. In my head I have a husky, sexy, sultry voice, not unlike Rihanna…in reality I am a high pitched posh-sounding wanker.
Pickle Bean/Pickle Berry – there is no excuse for this; classic baby drivel.
Squish – also used: Squish Squash, Squishy Face, Squishy Bum (you get the idea). “Squish” can be used to prefix most nouns and serves to make pretty much anything adorable. Refers to the fact that they have no muscle tone (being carried everywhere contributes to this).
Sausage – similar to above, popular variations include Sausage Features & Sausage Pants…can also use Saucisson for a European edge.
Morning Boy – exclusively for morning time usage…don’t want to confuse the little buggers. I find it is also nice to remind them of their masculinity, especially Sid (more on that below).
Shitty knickers/Poo pants – this applies once or twice a day per baby. Must always check that it is being used accurately; accusations of having poo-ey pants without verification has been known to chip away at a baby’s confidence…don’t want them to become serial killers, or estate agents.
Pissy pants – as above. Really wet nappies have a strong odour of Walkers roast chicken flavour crisps, in this case, chicken pants can also be used.
Wilfredo – for Spanish flavour.
Big Wilf – used in irony, he’s fucking tiny.
Dribble bum – to clarify, they only dribble from their mouths.
George Hiccupy – whenever they have hiccups; a play on the name George Hincapie, a retired American road bike racer………………………………obviously it was Jack’s invention and, as nicknames go, it’s pretty niche.
Mister Sid/Sidders – after realising we unwittingly named our second born after the evil child in Toy Story we try our best to make it cuter. Should have called them Woody & Buzz (Buzz Burgess does sound incredible!)
One Ball Boy – Only refers to Sid with his lone testicle, we have been assured the other one is nearby and will join the party soon with some gentle encouragement from a paediatric surgeon.
Sunshine bear – can be used alongside a tuneless yet rousing chorus of “You are my sunshine”.
My Boy – I am sure this is going to confuse them as they are both my boy, but I mix it up with some variations such as My big boy (Sid), My pretty boy (Wilf), My favourite boy (whichever I am holding/has slept the longest).
I could go on and on, but I am starting to get depressed…I really didn’t think I would do the voices, the singing or the cutesy names but it is simply uncontrollable. Sometimes I find myself doing it when the babies aren’t around (when they’re asleep, not out on the town), I have even referred to myself as “Mummy” *hangs head in shame*.
In light of this horrific admission I have concluded 3 things…
- There is the very real possibility that one of their first words will be ‘shitty’.
- Most nicknames are interchangeable, so you don’t have to remember which one you have got.
- In light of recent events, they will let any old bellend lead a nation, so we could have just called them A & B and they still would have had a shot at becoming Prime Minister…Squishy Face Pissy Pants Burgess does have a ring to it.