twenty four hours, two babies

When the bone crunching tiredness has taken over and you are seriously considering duct taping a dummy to the baby/babies (I definitely thought it was “duck”tape, but that makes no sense – why would ducks need tape?) the days roll into nights and it’s difficult to feel like you have achieved anything.

I have to remind myself that the biggest win is to keep them alive and ideally not leave them on a bus – bonus points for making it look like it was super easy and not remotely boring.

So, to make myself feel like I’ve been productive, here are the stats for a typical 24 hours:

3 hours 42 minutes sleep.

1 shower – leg shaving optional but rare.

2 bowls of cereal.

4 made up songs about it being the morning.

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Morning!

14 nappy changes.

37 baby wipes.

87 times saying ‘hi’ in a high pitched voice (sometimes I say ‘hello’ to keep it fresh…)

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…hi?…not impressed.

2 outfit changes.

9 baby routine-based Google searches.

1,575 millilitres of milk.

2 poo volcanoes.

4 pee fountains.

46 photos taken – 90% rejected.

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Mid sick action shot (Note the half pedi).

28 minutes spent waiting for a sneeze to get the perfect Boomerang (still waiting…)

1 Zara order.

1 trip to post office to return previous Zara orders.

10 renditions of “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” with amended lyrics (squeezing in the name Wilfredo)…I don’t know why.

2 hours of inappropriate chatter – Sid’s single testicle comes up a lot…

1 cake buying excursion.

2 laps of London Fields (to burn off cake calories)

6 strangers asking if they’re identical…

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Apparently not.

2 poorly received jokes to strangers about leaving them home alone.

4 times calling one the wrong name.

6 hours of Netflix, no chill.

3 loads of washing.

14,400 bounces.

31 mini vomits – only a few caused by over zealous bouncing.

2 kitchen sink baths.

All of these activities are interspersed with countless panicky whatsapps, more doctors visits than I have had in the last 10 years and worrying that, having not signed them up for baby massage, yoga or sensory, I have probably fucked them up for years to come. (I am hoping that ‘helping’ me package up my online returns and watching Pointless is sensory enough). Now I am off to buy more leopard print…

6 thoughts on “twenty four hours, two babies”

  1. Wow. Bless. They are amazing. I have a six months old girl and trust me I have no idea how you manage two. You are brace and amazing. Don’t worry much about baby massage or yoga. To be honest I went for these plus baby club from one reason only: to keep my sanity :))

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  2. No baby massage or yoga where I lived when mine was a babe. I don’t think he suffered but I do wonder. 12 now and obsessed with computer games. Maybe I didn’t say ‘hi’ enough or sing enough. Just said a lot of ‘beautiful ‘ (high pitch and string out the ‘ooooo’ booitiful baby boy. Honestly, the crazy thing doesn’t go. 😊😊

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