When the bone crunching tiredness has taken over and you are seriously considering duct taping a dummy to the baby/babies (I definitely thought it was “duck”tape, but that makes no sense – why would ducks need tape?) the days roll into nights and it’s difficult to feel like you have achieved anything.
I have to remind myself that the biggest win is to keep them alive and ideally not leave them on a bus – bonus points for making it look like it was super easy and not remotely boring.
So, to make myself feel like I’ve been productive, here are the stats for a typical 24 hours:
3 hours 42 minutes sleep.
1 shower – leg shaving optional but rare.
2 bowls of cereal.
4 made up songs about it being the morning.
14 nappy changes.
37 baby wipes.
87 times saying ‘hi’ in a high pitched voice (sometimes I say ‘hello’ to keep it fresh…)
2 outfit changes.
9 baby routine-based Google searches.
1,575 millilitres of milk.
2 poo volcanoes.
4 pee fountains.
46 photos taken – 90% rejected.
28 minutes spent waiting for a sneeze to get the perfect Boomerang (still waiting…)
1 Zara order.
1 trip to post office to return previous Zara orders.
10 renditions of “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” with amended lyrics (squeezing in the name Wilfredo)…I don’t know why.
2 hours of inappropriate chatter – Sid’s single testicle comes up a lot…
1 cake buying excursion.
2 laps of London Fields (to burn off cake calories)
6 strangers asking if they’re identical…
2 poorly received jokes to strangers about leaving them home alone.
4 times calling one the wrong name.
6 hours of Netflix, no chill.
3 loads of washing.
31 mini vomits – only a few caused by over zealous bouncing.
2 kitchen sink baths.
All of these activities are interspersed with countless panicky whatsapps, more doctors visits than I have had in the last 10 years and worrying that, having not signed them up for baby massage, yoga or sensory, I have probably fucked them up for years to come. (I am hoping that ‘helping’ me package up my online returns and watching Pointless is sensory enough). Now I am off to buy more leopard print…