twelve weeks, two babies

The lads have been alive for 3 months now and I thought I would share some nuggets of “wisdom” & lessons learnt from the last 12 weeks:

* I still can’t tell the difference between them, they don’t seem to mind.

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Brotherly love.

* Sleep – everyone tells you you won’t get any. You think it will be different for you. It’s not. Fuck. The 3 hours of sleep you do get is plagued with elaborate baby death nightmares.

* A shower makes you feel like you have super powers – and if you shut the door you can block out most of the screaming.

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Don’t even think about having a bath…..

* If you have always wanted bigger, longer nipples then buy and regularly use a breast pump. I imagine breastfeeding would have a similar effect.

* Fashion tip – wearing clothes too big for you helps disguise the fact that your body looks like a week old balloon. Also clenching your stomach while going for a poo does not count as exercise.

* Do not try on your old jeans 8 weeks after a C section. It will make you sad.

* You have to learn to ignore one baby almost constantly…they may look at you pleadingly with their big baby chimp eyes, but google assures me that they won’t remember this trauma.

There are no words.

* If only you could go “out out”, everyone on Facebook is partying like it’s 1999 all over again and you’re stuck at home singing Pop Goes The Weasel – just remember, you wouldn’t have gone to Notting Hill Carnival anyway…you haven’t for the last 6 years.

* It’s best to disown any friend or family member who is not willing to hold, feed, change, wind or bathe a baby. Even if I didn’t like someone much beforehand, there isn’t much I can’t forgive if they want to hold one of my children. ps. Holy cow, I have two children….

Free child labour

* I love their bodily functions…if they decided to simultaneously poo, wee, sneeze and puke on me I would probably just open mouth kiss them and squeeze them tight. I dread the day they can pick their own noses…

* They are better in every way than any other babies, that’s just a fact. If I could, I would have them on me constantly; I would shower with them. I am going to harbour slightly (very) inappropriate levels of affection towards them until they can literally fight me off.

* Finally, they really look like Winston Churchill…see below…uncanny.


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